Apparently, I am a horrible blogger. If you believe that blogging means actually writing and posting that is. I haven’t posted in almost a year! I honestly can’t believe it.

Why? Well, I have a million excuses. Mainly, I have been trying to raise 2 kids (one under 2), run a business, cook at least twice a day, manage to clean my house once in a blue moon, keep up with friends and family and take a shower each day. It’s a lot. By the time I have a moment to myself at the end of a day, my Celiac brain is usually mush.

The other shameful reason is that I haven’t believed in myself. I’ve let my own insecurities and anxieties get in the way of my purpose. By nature I am a competitive person. I never realized it until much later in life because I was never an athlete or involved in many activities when I was younger. So it has manifested itself in my career, my relationships and in this blog. There are so many amazing bloggers out there and I’ve spent so much of the past year feeling like I couldn’t live up to what they have to offer. I’ve had a hard time feeling like I have a voice that needs to be heard. They have more followers, cool merchandise and people love what they have to say. I let that get inside my head and doubt what I have to offer. If I feel I can’t excel in something I just don’t do it at all. That’s pretty sad. And it’s not fair to any of you or to myself.

My absolute favorite blogger/writer in the whole world is The Gluten Free Girl. And it honestly has nothing to do with the fact that she is a Celiac and sometimes writes about gluten free food. That may be what first brought me to her. Her book The Gluten Free Girl: How I Found the Food That Loves Me Back was the first book I read after being diagnosed. And it made me feel like I wasn’t alone. But what has kept me coming back to her over the years is her spirit, her voice. She writes with such Grace. In my eyes she is one of the most successful people I can think of. And I don’t measure her success by the number of readers and comments to her blog or the number of books she has written and sold. Her success is in the way that she lives her life truly, madly and freely. Read just a couple of her posts and you will see what I am talking about.

What is amazing to me is how she sometimes writes of her own insecurities. She too gets bogged down by worrying if people will read and like her blog. Will her new book sell? Do people judge her? I know we all have these fears in us. But seeing a woman I so admire admit her own was very eye opening for me. I would love more than anything to be able to write the way that she does. You can literally feel her breath and hear her voice in her words. It’s like she reaches out, puts her hand over your heart, smiling her friendly smile and makes you weep for the memories and emotions she has stirred. All of that and she sometimes wonders if she is good enough.

I look at the bits of her life that she shares and I often wish for what she has. She lives in a beautiful part of the world in a small town where people know your name. Where the sky meets the water and the world is full of the most perfect blues and grays. She is surrounded by love and laughter, good friends and a passion for life, family and food. She doesn’t seem to miss the small, significant moments that so many of us take for granted.

Well, I think it is time I stop looking at everyone else and worrying that I won’t measure up. It’s time I start looking around and finding the beauty and Grace in my own life. Focusing on those small seemingly insignificant moments that years from now will be what it was really all about. I’m going to listen to my own words and start living truly, loving madly and eating freely. I hope that you will be there with me, finding your own Grace and feeling that maybe you aren’t so alone after all.

I may never have thousands of followers. I may never have a book or be an award winning blogger. But I am going to continue on. I’m going to put myself out there, spilling my words on this page. I hope that I help people. I hope that I am always genuine and speak from the heart. The words will be enough.

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